On Acceptance

I lost my mobile last week, in a cab while on a late night ride. Attempts to contact the drier were in vain. It was as good as lost. I would stand to lose a whole lot of matter, apart from huge inconvenience for a while and cost of replacement.

In what has now become my habit, I set about to minimize the feeling of loss, in order to make it more easily acceptable. After all, it is all about Acceptance, that hep to live with a loss, right?

What are the other “things” I lost, all in just recent past??

I would have lost 3 or 4 mobile phones. 

I lost an awesome collection of photographs spanning past 40-45 years of our life - before marriage to present, that is irreplaceable. 

and to more serious losses...

I lost a coveted job to a conspiracy hatched by colleagues dictated by narrow extraneous factors other than relevant to company interests.

I lost a business to ‘friends’ who had no problems of guilt at a hostile takeover of our joint interests, leaving me high and dry, at the worst vulnerable moment of my life.

I lost a huge profit share that was my right, to a ganged up plot to deny my continuity in an entity that was my creation.

I lost about $100,000 to a ‘friend’ who had no qualms to live by an act of downright cheating even while swearing allegiance to God five times a day.

But what did I not lose, in the process?

I did not lose sleep. I did not choke. I did not cry. I did not feel heavy at heart. I did not lose Peace of Mind.

We were brought up in a home by a wonderful father and a model mother, for whom nothing mattered in the world, more than Peace of mind ensuring a good sleep. The importance of this alone, defined their personality. Possibly, the value of this priceless treasure far outweighs anything else in the world.

They taught us to live on our gains and not fret over loss of “things”. The only loss we cannot accept is Loss of face; loss of self respect. Loss of character. Loss of trust.  Loss of values.

But while we learnt from them to live by loss of “things”, they did not teach me, how to live with the loss of other than “things” … loss of someone .. loss of the one who is part of our being.  The one who matter to us more than any other sentiments in the world. The one we would live, love and fight for.  

Dear Lalit,

On this day, the 11 anniversary of the greatest loss in our life, with a heavy heart, your sister, mother and I will silently relive the golden moments of our times together during your short & sweet stay with us, rather than ruminate over the fact that we shall see you no more.

We do by default, every waking moment of our days, but today, each of us knows what the other is thinking..that's all. We hear the clock ticking towards that dreadful moment past midnight. 

As is now our habit, we have learnt to Accept. Acceptance has minimized the pain.. We have mastered it. No loss will be beyond our Acceptance. 

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From the archives - Shared Thoughts – 20.09.14.

Pain has become a part of our life.. The energy we put to tame the pain, sees

us through the days we live. We appear normal even to ourselves. 

Whoever said that loss gets easier with time was a liar. Here's what really

happens:

You don't get over it; you just get through it.

You don't get by it; because you can't get around it.

It doesn't get better; it just gets different.

Everyday...Grief puts on a new face.

How Long Will The Pain Last?

How long will the pain last?”

a broken hearted mourner asked me.

“All the rest of your Life.”

I have to answer truthfully.

We never quite forget.

No matter how many years pass, we remember.

The loss of a loved one is like a major operation.

Part of us is removed,

and we have a scar for the rest of our lives.

As years go by, we manage.

There are things to do, people to care for,

tasks that call for full attention. But the pain is still there,

not far below the surface.

We see a face that looks familiar,

hear a voice that echoes,

see a photograph in someone’s album,

see a landscape that once we saw together,

and it seems as though a knife were in the wound again.

But not so painfully.

And mixed with joy, too.

Because remembering a happy time is not all sorrow,

it brings back happiness with it.

How long will the pain last?

All the rest of your life.

But the things to remember is that not only the pain will last,

but the blessed memories as well.

Tears are proof of life.

The more love, the more tears.

If this be true,

then how could we ever ask that the pain cease altogether.

For then the memory of love would go with it.

The pain of grief is the price we pay for love.

( Martha White). 

==============================================================

Mohandas Kizhakke

SHARED THOUGHTS. …. 21.09.2017

Dear Lalit,

As is customary, this is the second of the two ​mails​, I post for you annually, with the foolish yet fond hope that this will reach you. This is the one way perhaps, we can believe that you are with us…for some part, we live in disbelief, for that gives us some solace, too.

​Sometimes, we live in a state of willing suspension of disbelief or even suspension of intelligence. ​Our family ​just ​got bigger; your sister is blessed with a baby boy. Many would want us to believe that you have come back to our fold. Yes, why not believe that.. for it is a pleasure to live in a state where we suspend realism & logic for the sake of enjoyment, into thinking that indeed you may have taken a birth once again to comfort our grief.. a perfect state of willing suspension of disbelief.

​Recently, ​the whole nation was put to shame and sorrow in a brutal murder of a young school boy in Gurgaon. The innocent seven year lad was the hapless victim to the animal instinct of a reckless driver. In one swift motion, he snuffed out a precious life in an act of random madness.

 A child to parents is a sort of an FD..a Future Deposit, where the future of the parents is deposited upon their child’s future, no matter the fickle assumptions. No words are adequate to comfort, when the parents are confronted by such a twist of fate to their 'FD'.

To All Parents, God seems to say – ​

"I'll lend you for a little time a child of mine," He said.

"For you to love for the while he lives and mourn for when he's gone.

​It may be seven years or eighteen or twenty nine years...

​Will​  you, till i call him back, take care of him for Me!??

He'll bring his charms to gladden you, and should his stay be brief,

You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief”. 

Thank you God for small mercies !! For this boy's parents, ​the gift of a loan was for seven years.. whereas for us, it was twenty nine years of you with us. In the grand celestial scheme, He is not concerned that this little boy will not live to enjoy the full boyhood, the thrill of teenage, to be a young man setting many a hearts aflutter...  but for us, He granted these mercies.. yet, He could not care less, that just when He opened your life to full bloom, that was the precise moment He had this change of plan and recalled you. He could not care less, that you had just celebrated the first birthday of your darling daughter... He could not care less, that you would never speak to anyone of your fairy-tale holiday in your future home.....He could not care less, that He would rob you of your future...He could not care less, that in the exciting future, you had planned a safe haven for your beautiful wife and dear daughter !!!

But He did take care to see that your family would live in a safe haven, though not the way you may have dreamed. Strange are the ways He toys with our hopes & dreams.

Today I read a post in FB from a friend that read… “the saddest moment is when the person who gave you the best memories becomes a memory”

​

Yes, indeed it is a sad truth that with time, all of us will fade into becoming a memory to a few. The memory will be treasured or discarded, depending upon the value we add when the brilliance of life shines upon us.

​To us and to many of those you touched in your brief spell, the memories you left behind will be treasured for long. ​

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----

​That 21st of September. 

The day will surely dawn

Year after year

The sun will rise as it did in 2007

That 2​0^th of September.​

Giving hopes of a new dawn,

For our young son.

​

He sets out with a bye and a kiss to his dear wife

and daughter of one, he hugged with all his heart.

​.​

Uncle and Aunt bid him farewell

Until we meet again they prayed.

Embarking on a flight from Down Under

To the city of birth

Landing with the setting sun into the

​ 

20th​

 night,

For a short ride to the comfort of his home

Every sunset gives us one day less to live,

They say. 

And they say,

Every day takes us nearer to our grave

Truer words were never spoken

For our young son.

The short ride in God’s will

Was the unwilling ride to His abode

So swift with fleeting hasty greed

Did He pluck our young son away.

Never to see another sunrise

And we shall never see our son rise again.

Shock and disbelief writ large on every face

That loved and adored this young man

The script was not meant to be thus….  But alas, it was

The mother of all tragedies, they all moaned.

​...and mourned. ​

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------\

​Today, it is ten years of our life without your charms to gladden us.... yet, to an onlooker, we live as if everything is alright…we laugh, we travel, we joke, we work..

​all the ​​w​hile, silently, ​only we know, your mother, sister and me..., we live with our hearts screaming in pain, hearts overwhelming with emptiness, grief and unspeakable love.

​

A million words would not bring you back.​we​ know, because ​we​ tried. Neither a million tears, ​we​ know, because ​we ​cry, albeit silently within.

​God has said, He shall ​call you back... but then what becomes of us...?? 

I read somewhere, 

“A husband who loses a wife is called a widower

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow.

A child who loses his parents is called an orphan.

But there is no word, for parents who lose their child”.

​and I might add...​ ​

There is no word for a child who loses a sibling.

​The hardest part of losing a child is living everyday afterwards.

​To the strength and resilience given to us to move on in life, we thank you, God.

To the courage to face the future, even when emptiness rules every fiber of our being, we thank you God.

To the vast opportunities & means to enjoy this Gift of Life, we thank you God.

To the Gift of Life that Lalit lived thru for 29 years, we thank you God.

Whoever said, cannot be more correct.. ​

The strongest person in the world is a grieving mother, who wakes up and keeps going every morning.. !!!! 

------------------------------ ---------------------------

Mohandas Kizhakke

http://mohandas-sharedthoughts .blogspot.com/

SHARED THOUGHTS​ - 01.07.17

Letter to our beloved son.

Dear Lalit,

Ever since we moved back to Kuwait, after a gap of about 3.5 years, I shudder every time I need to go near the building where we lived together happily for a few years. Nearby is the building you moved out into, on the other side of Salmiya. There’s always a heavy lump in my throat and a deluge of happy memories each time I pass by those two buildings.

Even a few days back I passed by your building.. this day, ten years back, we were together, in that very building, celebrating your 29^th birthday, until you bid me good bye at the airport, on July 22nd, on your way to Chennai to celebrate your lovely daughter's 1st birthday and then onward to Australia for a new beginning down under.... and somewhere in this beautiful script, how did the destination for you change all of a sudden ...beyond our reach and sight??

6 months of happy living, with the new born… 3.5 years of wonderful  years with your chosen spouse… 29 years of being a blessing to us, for us to proudly say, our son.. my son.. in present tense. 

God did measure to give you the elixir & goodness of life by the spoonful, didn't He??

I read a poem recently, that I could relate to you, so very easily. The poet (Clark Coates) laments how would it be if he was given 10 minutes to be with his son, who is no more. Many a time, you come in my dreams, you come alive so very much, that in the dream, I wanted to freeze those moments and never wanted you to leave. Therefore, how would it be if I was given 10 minutes to be with you…??

Ten minutes with you.

If I had ten minutes

With you, what

Would I say?

Would it surprise

You, if I said

Nothing, other

Than I love you?

I would just sit

And stare at you.

I would take in

every inch of your

beautiful body.

I would memorise

The shape of your

eyes,  mouth and

nose.

I would breathe in

Your scent.

I would hold your

hands and stroke

your skin.

I would hug you

And hold you, and

Wish those ten minutes

Would last for eternity.

But then, how could

I let you go?

I would scream

And cry and beg

You to stay.

My child, I may not

Have that gift of

Time, but I will

Always have you.

You will live in me

My heart, until the

Day I die.

And when I have

Taken my last

Breath, please be

Waiting at the

Heavenly  gates.

I will run to you

And sweep you up

In my arms, we will

Swirl and laugh

And giggle.

From that moment,

On we will be

Together FOREVER.

On another positive thought, why should we think that you are not with us?

I was gifted a book titled, Many Lives, Many Masters by Brian Weiss. It reinforces the concept of reincarnation. The author resorts to hypnotism to explore the past life via regressions, that lead to para-normal communications supporting concepts of reincarnation as well as an after-life. He concludes the book with the thought that “life is more than what meets the eye”.

We are raised to believe in after-life, even without the research of Brian Weiss. If this be so, then we fervently hope that a day will soon dawn when we can have you in our midst once again, probably on another equation.

Your loving sister is expected to deliver soon, to add a son to the "all-girl-gang of 4"...​namely .. the two lovelies here with us…and your charming daughter & her beautiful sister in Delhi... Oh, you must see your daughter now. She is growing up so well under the doting care of her mother & her ‘Appa’.

​With the new arrival expected any day, the thought is there in everyone's mind.. your sister, mother and myself.. ​Can we dare to hope that this is your home coming?? God willing, it may be; who knows.. "Life is more than what meets the eye", right? ​

Welcome my dear son.

Welcome my dear grandson.

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From the archives – SHARED THOUGHTS – 01.07.2016.

 Flood of thoughts

“I wish Heaven had a phone so I could hear your voice again.

I thought of you today, but that is nothing new.

I thought about you yesterday, and the day before too. I think of you in silence ;

I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a photo in a frame.

Your memory is a keepsake from which I’ll never part.

God has you in His arms and I have you in my heart”.

Dear Lalit,

A flood of thoughts today as with every moment of every day… yet, today is special. Today it is your birthday. Cannot believe that today you could be 38 !! In our minds, you have not grown beyond the youthful handsome young man of 29. You will always be ever young, even as Time takes its toll on us.

These days your two lovely nieces, Aarna & Reeva keep us company to help us remain young at heart. Spending time with them, remind us so much of the time we had you as a smart boy of 2 who could use so many words and form nice sentences, similar to the ones the smaller girl Reeva does now.

She reminds me so much of you, as that little chubby fella, to whom I used to tell funny stories, mommy bathing and dressing you to school. The way you used to say “bye” to us as you sit in that rickshaw to school. These days when I put the little one Reeva to sleep on my chest, I remember that is where you were just a few years back… how she cuddles around in her sleep with tight hugs and sometimes crawling all over me…..just the way you used to. You were so chubby and full of baby fat..it was heavenly to hug you and cuddle with you.

I remember the blue trousers and white shirts that I used to iron every morning all those wonderful years. I am so glad I did not frown then and took upon this chore with pleasure knowing that at a later date, I would miss this awfully…but not the way, I miss it now.

I happened to read of a story (given below) where Gandhiji’s grandson was caught lying and his father gave him a punishment that he would never forget. Likewise, I remember you told a white lie to your teacher in KV IIT school and the teacher called us to school to expose your lie.. my punishment to you was, from that day on, I would only believe you no matter what anyone said.. your word would be the final truth. You realized that it was a great responsibility to live up to that level of trust .. yet, you lived up to it wholly. We were always so proud of you that we could communicate with each other so freely as good buddies.

You were our little boy, smart and handsome to college. Gaining knowledge fast and developing a personality of your own, ready to face the world of men and the games people play.

You were still our little boy, even when you matured to take decisions that would shape your destiny; when a lively lovely girl of your dreams came into our fold and soon after, that little bundle of joy… your beautiful daughter now growing up to be a lovely lady in the making, under the incredibly loving watch of your bosom pal. We watch with awe the magical bond binding Ila and her sweet sister Samika growing with each day. You would love that.

Take comfort dear, that those whom you love are well loved and taken care of, in a way you can be proud of. You shall continue to be the guiding light to us as we grope around the void hoping somewhere somehow we can touch you, feel you, hear you and see that mesmerizing wide smile.

With love, from your loved ones  ….

“Although we seem so far apart, 
You're always here within our hearts. 
You filled our lives with joy and pleasure 
You were to us a precious treasure. 
A little while shall pass and then, 
We'll see each other once again. 
Loved, remembered and held so dear, 
In minds and hearts you're always here”.

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Mohandas Kizhakke

http://mohandas- sharedthoughts.blogspot.com/